I can only think clearly when I do it for the sake of someone else.

I wrote an e-mail to one of my best friends today, and this came out. Which is about the closest thing to my brain that I can come up with right now...



As for me. Oy, life. It is giving me a big stress fracture in my heart right now. This is a weird feeling! Like I said, I wish I could start over. I would not have bought this car, would not live in this house, would not have this life. It's strange to wish that almost EVERYTHING were different. Not that it's awful. It's just not sustainable. I am beginning to realize that people in this real world do not value "down time" as much as they maybe should. What they think is boredom is really just, you know, time. To think or dream or just be. St. John teaches this to people. But only people who maybe stay for too long and are then faced with life afterwards. There are things I love. I will list them now so as to remember myself:

-I finally have a very good relationship with my sister. We still drive each other batty, but we each see the value in having someone who really gets it. All. Of. It.
-I love my boyfriend. He is patient with me when I don't deserve it. He is uplifting and smiling and thoughtful and seems somehow immune to my crazy. And I have a lot of that. I go to bed every night wishing we were in the same place, when I have wished for space from so many others. Thinking of being farther away from him than I am makes me consider staying in one place. What?
-SEASONS! I loved watching the leaves change. I love seeing my breath in the morning, even though I sort of hate that it feels like my ears might freeze off of my head. There are changes here from month to month. In mood, in music, in food, in shoes. I love change.
-I can drive to see any number of family members whenever I want. I don't have much time for that, but if I really needed a grandmother fix, I could have one.
-Denver has potholes that gush steam. Driving through them feels like a movie. Or like an episode of Law and Order. Whatever.

Ok, those are some things. There are more things. It is ridiculously hard not to miss my old life, so I have to remind myself sometimes that unhappy is not what I am. There is no rut here. I am not stuck. I am in a weird place that might take some awkward wiggling, but there is happiness to be found here. Plenty, actually, and I don't even have to search. St. John was just so....comfy.